Damn. Write.

“Release what’s in me. Besides the Henny, it’s eyes that seen plenty…”

-       Nas, Shootouts

Years ago, when my now adult children were about four and five, we were coming from Baskin Robbins one evening for an after-dinner treat. At a green light, I made a left turn and immediately heard sirens behind me. I pulled over and two cops approached the car. I was immediately annoyed.

“What’s the problem?”

“You took a red light.”

“The light was green before I turned what are you talking about?”

Then one of them, the younger one, took out his flashlight and shone it in my kids face as they were eating their ice cream cones in the back seat. And he held it there. And he held it there. Finally, my daughter put up her hand to protect herself from the light.

“Get the light out of her fucking face!”

And he continued to hold it there, jeering at her discomfort. That look. How pleased he was tormenting a child. I attempted to push open the door. I just acted. Didn’t stop to think. The other cop leaned his weight and slammed my door shut.  Apparently no longer enjoying his partner’s antics he said something like “They’re kids. C’mon. Enough now.”

No ticket or summons was written, no warning, just the younger one laughing and saying, “Have a good night!” as they walked back to their car. I wonder if my kids even remember that.

My cousin Derek says that God can and will use any man for His purpose at any time. That night God saved me from my own hot-headed actions and used another cop to do so. I have no doubt I would’ve been beaten, maimed, possibly killed. In front of my children no less.

Unfathomable.

But the thing is – it’s not unfathomable. Every day, folks with melanin face similar situations.

Years ago, a kid was on his Big Wheel on 86^th street and his oblivious dad was walking behind him reading a newspaper and the child veered into two-way traffic just peddling along. I ran out to try and grab the kid as a car screeched right in front of us. If I stopped to think about the consequences, I probably would’ve just froze thinking about the options and my own safety. How would I react if I was to witness a cop manhandling a child, my sister, or kneeling on my brother’s neck? Do I black out, jump into action and get killed or do I stop and think about the consequences and instead pull out my phone and press record. Or - even a better question - why the fuck do I even have to think about this?

I’ve been staring at my keyboard for what seems like months. Want to write about one thing, then this happens…COVID19 inequalities, then this happens…an unarmed senseless killing, then another one happens. Most of us are just one paycheck away, one cough away, one police stop away from it all just crashing down around us and possibly becoming a hashtag. It’s so necessary to unplug from the Matrix every so often. You must. For the sake of my mental health I’ll temporarily suspend my social media accounts and turn off the TV – but like an addict I quickly return: just one more post, one last tweet, “just let me watch Anderson’s opening monologue then I’ll turn off CNN, I swear!”

Living in these times calls to mind Orwell’s Animal Farm, Edgar Allan Poe’s Imp of the Perverse, Ralph Ellison’s Invisible Man.

What’s going on today is just…I had to stop and research synonyms for “evil” because evil just doesn’t quite seem to do. Wicked? Vile? Devoid of God?

“I’m going to call 911 and tell them there’s an African American man threatening my life!” 

Wicked.

Arresting and imprisoning a man after his lady was killed by cops after they burst into THE WRONG HOUSE UNANNOUNCED and he attempted to protect them both.

Vile.

Kneeling on the neck of a restrained, non-threatening, handcuffed man with your full weight, as he insists he can’t breathe then with his dying breath cries for his mother–doing this in full daylight KNOWING you’re being filmed and your demeanor switches from ho-hum to sadistic as you look down and shift your weight?

Devoid of God.

To merely say it’s exhausting at this point is a testament to my limited vocabulary. And through it all we strive to keep our minds right and go about our business as we’re unwittingly cast in a perverse Blaxploitation snuff film;  our lives brutally taken for all to see.

Can I live? I just wanna look at the birds, man!

Anderson Cooper always makes it a point to remind his viewers “These aren’t normal times. This isn’t normal.”

But isn’t it?

“We’re better than this!” they exclaim. Umm, no. We’re not. Read a book on slavery, any book. Read “American Holocaust” by David E. Stannard, an eyewitness account of what Columbus’ men did to  Native Americans when they arrived here, hacking babies from the womb of pregnant women; testing the sharpness of their blade by cutting newborn babies in two. If you cut them clear in half with one swipe, your blade is sharp enough!

“The system is broken!” Nah, dog. The system is a well-oiled machine with every part moving exactly as it was designed to. Banking, schools, medical, housing, the legal system: everything’s all on point; never been better!

Witness the absurdity of Native Americans being forced to explain to folks WHY they’re conducting temperature checks before you enter their land – THEIR LAND! – so their people won’t get sick and burden their already depleted and dilapidated medical system - if you can even call it that. Why should this have to be explained?

Fucking unfathomable.

Perhaps I’m just in the “angry old man” phase of my life where I’m just not explaining shit to anyone. Like Jimmy Conway told Henry Hill in Goodfellas “This is what it is, Ok? We know what it is.” You don’t get why certain things are wrong and choose to live in Oblivion? That’s fine. I’m talking about Black people here too - something crazy happens and you want to bring up “Black on Black crime”? That’s great. 2+2 equals 47? Yes, it does. It’s 20friggin20. Just do me a favor and keep all that shit over there.

At this stage in the game we should be wondering what type of fuel our flying cars need yet we’re explaining to Little Johnny that shooting up the school and killing all his classmates is wrong. Bad, Little Johnny, Bad!

In this Great Age of Technology, mentally and spiritually, we just invented a wheel made from stone. How proud we are!

Our collective feet bleed from marching - but they don’t understand marching. They don’t understand ‘turn the other cheek’. They don’t understand the scriptures you cite them from their Bible. 

Showing Noah a rainbow, God promised him “No more water. The fire next time!”

Some scientists believe African American’s have PTSD stamped on our DNA. Of course, we do! This shit is terrifying. Pre-COVID. Pre-“Karen”. Pre-PS 72 free lunch. All day, every day. Terrifying. Exhausting. Demeaning. Angering.

In 1961 James Baldwin said, “To be Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a rage almost all the time.” But what he said right after is often ignored. He then continued “So that the first problem is how to control that rage so that it won’t destroy YOU.”

Damn. Right.