Gobbledygook

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Period. End Of Story.

When my daughter was two years old she had something very important she wanted to discuss with me. Her eyes were large, her look was serious and she started with "When I get big, when I turn three..." I don't remember what came after that.

Now, she's almost 12 and at the stage in her life when "little girls become women" as they say. The other night she went to the bathroom and called her mother in after some time. Now, I fully understand that this is part of life and it was bound to happen any day but at the particular moment I was confronted with it head on I really wasn't in the mood. I think the Yankees were losing or it was a Monday - I don't remember - I just wasn't prepared for it. Another thing that really bothered me about this was that they didn't seem at all mortified by this. In fact, if I were to thesaurisize their reaction to this morbid, tragic event, I'd have to use the word "giddy".

Is it me or is it them?

It's them, right?

My uncle Bill is the father of 3 girls. Whenever I go to him or any father for advice that's raised teenage girls it's like talking to a war veteran that fought at 'Nam. You bring up the subject and suddenly the mood changes. They get fidgety; start sweating. They don't want to talk about it. All they know is they survived and some of their friends did not. They kind of turn away from you, their voice quivers then trails off and you hear something faint like "Lost some good friends..."

Have I done enough? Have I told her enough about strangers? Even people she knows? Did I demonize everyone enough to where she trusts no one?

"Go to the cops, but don't really trust them either."

A background check or knowing someone a long time doesn't factor in opportunity.

I have a boy. There are some pitfalls there too. Boys aren't infallible. But it's a whole different ball game. Probably a double standard. Because if my son turns 17 and he's dating a 28 year old I might give a quick thought to what her intentions are but I also might give him a high-five. Switch that around to my daughter and they'll be finding body parts. What does a 28 year old man want with a 17 year old girl? Exactly. A hand here. A sawed off leg there. Chris Rock said that a fathers' only job is to keep his daughter off the stripper pole.

A couple years back I started writing a short story where a man goes to a strip club, goes to put a dollar in the g-string of a sexy dancer and realizes when she gets closer that it's actually his daughter. About that part I remembered I had a daughter and got too angry to finish or ever want to return to it. It started out being really funny though.

Times have certainly changed. In post-9/11 New York City, gun permits are increasingly hard to obtain. But you could always get a license for a rifle and rifles hold bullets and bullets go through guys trying to get with your daughter.

That's all I'm sayin'.