Tomorrow, Today Is Yesterday

A few years back - damn, maybe 11, 12 years ago now - back when I was still in advertising and a lot less jaded and much more ignorant, I briefly dated this temp receptionist at my job. Let's call her Phyllis. No, we can't call her Phyllis because that's her real name. So let's call her Phyll...isha.

Phyllisha was in her last year of college and had an apartment off campus in Long Island. She invited me out to her place one night after work. I didn't have a car so I took the Long Island Railroad. When I got to her place, it was her but it wasn't her. It was the first time I had seen her without makeup and my face must have betrayed me because the first thing she said was "This is the first time you're seeing me without makeup."

Her small apartment reeked of week old ashtrays and wet dog. She claimed she didn't smoke and her building didn't allow any pets. Perhaps she was smell deaf.

After a few minutes of idle how-do-I-get-in-your-pants-and-catch-the-very-next-train conversation, her phone rang. I don't remember if it was her boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, pimp, John, whoever, but they were arguing. She put it on speaker in case I was interested in hearing both sides. I pretended I was really into the Knicks game I was watching on her 7-inch tv, and tried to blink myself home like Jeannie used to do.

Eventually she got off the phone, turned off the Knicks game and started playing a song by TLC. I don't remember which song. What I do remember was she started performing for me. She started dancing and singing to the song like she was on stage or auditioning for Left Eye's spot years before Left Eye died. I remember asking myself if I got off the train at the wrong planet.

Pathetic/Sad/Uncalled for/Unjustified/Bewildering/What the fuckedness?! feelings came over me.

Here was this person I hardly knew and did not recognize, giving me the kind of pseudo, faux-sexy performance that would land itself on the very first show of a new season of American Idol when Simon is at his cruelest. She was totally turning me off. Any second I expected to hear Rod Serling's voice.

I bounced.

I don't know what made me remember this. I sat at the keyboard and said I would write about the very first thing that came to mind. It's funny though. It doesn't seem like so many years ago and the older I get the more I believe that time really is an illusion.

Today if I saw Phyllisha I wouldn't even recognize her.

With or without the makeup.