Freightened Clam: Alternative Spelling in the drumpf Error

I was eliminated in the 4th grade Spelling Bee for failing to say, "capital F" when prompted to spell the common noun, February. But at 9 years old, I knew there was an r after the b. In the last sentence, I knew there was not their or they're.

My soon to be ex assistant doesn't use spell check which adds to my angst and daily agita. After several admonitions and countless what the fuck faces, she continues to hand me nonsensical drivel disguised as memorandums and correspondence which would be amusing if she didn't sign my name to them and attempt to send them to my co-workers and clients; clients who depend on my leadership and sound judgment then in turn pay me in legal currency with which I buy things like food and clothing and make car payments. 

“Please make an agenda for Saturday’s team meeting,” I asked her. An innocent enough task that wouldn’t require any out of department eyes. It didn’t dawn on me until I returned and saw her version of an agenda how determined she was to attend NYU: New York Unemployment.

There were arrows leading to extraneous bullet points; names of persons I should have recognized had their names not been butchered and then I noticed the phrase: freightened clam. Unnecessary arrows pointing to needless bullet points aside “what the hell is a freightened clam?” Without bothering to make eye contact, (it seemed as if I was annoying her with the question!), she then muttered something about "rough draft" very Bartleby the Scrivener-like which would be hilarious to me if I was reading about this and not living it.

Reading.

As in an author wrote a funny story which included an office assistant character that worked for an anal boss and didn't give a damn about spell check and attempted to sign his name on rambling, nonsensical documents - because when you’re living it, it tends to lose its humor. Not it's humour because it being humourous would be correct in the UK though it really wouldn't be. Contractions aside, contraceptives may have prevented me from getting a spell less assistant but that's both a cruel and unusual thing to say - about as much as it is to freighten a helpless clam. I mean, it's a bi-valve, paid bi-annually and who could really live with such an arrangement? Imagine being paid twice a year? I barely make it bi-weekly.

I also know that some people write the way they speak which still doesn't excuse "freightened clam". When I attempt to type the word "freightened" autocorrect even tries to have me write "freighters" which must be a thing so freighters must be right to write - though it is actually typed. Because if she were to write freightened then obviously there would be no autocorrect so I'd have to be more understanding because to err is human - when writing freightened or the phrase freightened clam with a pen onto an actual piece of paper that was once a tree. Photosynthesis has something to do with the way trees breathe if I were to relax my mind and start a stream of consciousness flow. Trees may enhance the flow but I'm frightened that would clam up my thought process and take me to the Ether. Nas destroyed Jay but to Jay's credit he stayed pretty much unscathed when that pummeling would've ended a lesser MCs career - see Cannibis - which will bring me back to do-o-o-oe... (initially I ended that with do-o-o-o but since it was referring to doe as in baby dear I added the e.)

That's the thought process.

When I was in advertising a lifetime ago, Richard Lewis would make us pay him a dollar for every misspelled word. You send out a memo (before email days) with any word misspelled and a dollar of yours would go in a jar on his desk. When the jar was full he’d buy us all pizza– or not! – and start the whole process again. Typos hurt when you’re making $21k a year!

I have a friend that wrote a work memo when he was high once. I don't know for sure if he was high at the time but he might as well had been. The memo was a rebuttal to a letter his manager wrote to HR about why he wanted to fire him. My friend’s “response” was bizarre and chock full of typos. I remember reading it and honestly telling him to pack up whatever shit he had at the office lest his rebuttal be used as exhibit A, B and C against him. It's like, why didn't you just save the time writing back and just quit? He spoke of removing a stain from the wall in the bathroom with his finger and instead wrote "bedroom figuer" then drifted into some other equally bizarre territory.  

Maybe they should start a firm together “Freightened Clam Figuer ”.

But I digress.

So, after the holidays, I will be bidding a farewell to my soon to be ex-assistant, she of the freightened clam. I have no idea what her next endeavor will be, but if she ever attempts to write a book, I will be first in line. 

It's gonna be hilarious!