With Rue My Heart's Bin Laden

My girl caught me in bed with another woman. I just looked her straight in the eye and said "bin Laden". I figured she'd immediately forgive me and go into the kitchen to make dinner. Instead, however, she joined us. An unexpected but most pleasant surprise.

It's not a secret, everyone's using it. From CEOs of Fortune 500 Companies to mail room clerks: Bad first quarter? Fuckin' bin Laden. Your package didn't get to you on time? Fuckin' bin Laden, man.

Fuckin' bin Laden: The ultimate scape-goat. Want to wage an unprecedented pre-emptive war against a sovereign nation that had absolutely nothing to do with 9-11?

So, Mr. President. How's the Weapons Of Mass Destruction search going? Perhaps while you're searching for them you'll stumble across the REAL killer in the Nicole Simpson case. I can't think of two words that go better together in the same sentence. The word "President" and the word "stumble". I remember being in Europe and people saying "You guys voted for that guy...AGAIN?"

I worked with someone that was a chronic liar. You know those people that lie for absolutely no reason, have nothing to gain from their lie at all? That was Wayne. Anyway, I'm meeting my friend Mike for lunch, and Wayne and I are leaving the building at the same time. Unbeknownst to me, Mike and Wayne knew each other from another job, said hello and had a quick chat. When Wayne walked away, Mike looked at me seriously and said "Don't ever believe a word that guy says!"

That's our President. Our President is everything that's wrong with everything. He's the reason my toaster oven is broke. He's the reason the Knicks are 3-119. But yet, bin Laden gets the blame. Why? Because as Bruce Hornsby would say "That's just the way it is."

I only wish I knew about him earlier. In retrospect, he's the reason I missed that layup, didn't hand in that homework assignment and messed up while performing the skit "Who's On First?" in the 5th grade. Now I know that bin Laden was directly responsible for Darlene leaving me when I was 21 and subsequently getting in that car accident 3.5 years later; for getting picked up for smoking in the park 2 years after that. Knowing that he was solely to blame for everything that's ever happened to me would have saved me a lot of whippings growing up and some heartache too. Ahhh...I feel better already.

Oh, so you don't like this post, huh? Fuckin' bin Laden, man.