Please Accept My Forgiveness

I hate being wrong so I never am. Even when all the evidence, finger prints and DNA tests point to me, I'm sure it was someone else. Positive of it. In fact, I wasn't even in town during the time in question.

You see, as a leader of men in my professional life, I feel it would be a danger to my staff's morale to be all wrong and sorry and stuff; to be crying in front of them all Jerry Falwell like: I have sinned, aww, God, boo-hoo, forgive me, ohhhh-ho-ho-ho!

Not I. Instead I go the Bill Clinton route: I'll say it again - I never had any relations with that woman... and I forgive you for thinking so.

Anyone could be wrong. Except leaders. You see, people want their leaders strong, unconscionable and unaccountable. Not only that, saying sorry is an inherent sign of weakness and my staff depends on me being a strong leader, not a quivering, sobbing, snot-bubbled wussy. They need something to aspire to. You owe that to them. So in the interest of all my underlings and peons it's necessary to show them how my perceived "wrong" is actually something they need to work on - or it'll cost them their job. Because if we really think about it, scrutinize it, go back to the genesis of the real problem, we'll both come to the same conclusion: it's your fault.

"Oh, so your paycheck's wrong? Well, don't let it happen again! I forgive you. No need for any explanations, everyone's wrong every once in a while you've used up your quota for today now get back to your desk!"

Problem solved on your end.

Also, it's important to terminate someone every once in a while to remind them who's in charge. You should make it a goal to fire someone, say... every other week or so. It's like in the Old West. Fewer things brought a town together than a good hanging. Nowadays, it's a good firing people want to see. Make sure to do it in a public place, like at the company Christmas party with several of their peers around to let them know it could be them next. Use a bull horn for maximum oratory exposure awareness (corporate lingo).

If I had my druthers - and boy I'm working on it - I'd terminate them instead of their employment. In fact, at the last quarterly meeting, I suggested we hang our employees thus terminating their life in lieu of their employment. After all, if they can't continue working here, why should they continue to live?

Are you kidding me? Imagine the unadulterated loyalty of a staff who knows they're libel to be hanged for the slightest thing? It would be like Singapore without the barbaric caning. No litter. Everyone'd be punctual. No late reports. No calling out due to having a sick child thus no overtime cost.

No infraction would be too small and punishment would be meted out expeditiously. "So Ed, I hear you don't like my tie, huh? Janelle get my noose! We're gonna have ourselves a 3PM hanging. Where's my bullhorn?"

"Cynthia, didn't we have a conversation about coffee stockings? Janelle!"

I'd trade in my bullhorn for a noose any day of the week. I'd be peeking around cubicles, swinging the noose, whistling.

"I'm watchin' you, dammit!" sans bullhorn.

How dope would that be?

But alas, that narrow-minded group of old farts calling themselves the Board of Directors rejected the idea by a 4 to 3 vote. But not to despair. I fully expect it to be on the ballot again come June.

So until then it's business as usual. Me, my bullhorn and my sorry staff.