THIS IS NOT A WINE COOLER!

Working in Corporate America is akin to inhaling legal medicinal, which is to say: the higher I get the less I care.

In a corporate gig past, I was at times sent to a company to sit back and observe how things ran for a week or two, make my suggestions then things would be shaken up. I was one of several people in that position and everyone had their methods of getting it done. Some used pie charts, others conducted interviews, a couple used theories I never understood but for me, my decision on who stayed vs. who got fired all boiled down to this: either you watched Bugs Bunny growing up or you didn’t watch Bugs Bunny growing up.

A sample conversation would go thusly: “Remember that Bugs Bunny cartoon when he’s being chased by the red monster on the roof and later he’s doing his nails then puts the dynamite in his hair? No? Then why the hell do you work here?”

Kids in my era that grew up on Bugs Bunny, Yosemite Sam, and Wile E. Coyote for the most part are sane, rational adults.  We could watch the Road Runner blow up Wile E. Coyote with all sorts of Acme bombs, hit him with anvils, drop off a cliff and realize, “you know, that would hurt in real life. I wouldn’t do that.” Anyone that grew up after Hong Kong Fuey has to have disclaimers and large helmets with extra foam on the inside. I call these kids the Disclaimer Generation. These 20 and 30 year olds I manage are absolutely clueless. I find you can’t take anything for granted with them; everything has to be explained to the minutest detail.

Example #1: Dude at one of my buildings, 20something, stole a book of car vouchers. You know at night you work late and the company provides a car service. Ok. So he stole a book of vouchers for his personal use. The only thing is he used his real name and took all the cars back to his home address. When HR reviewed the files they commented that never has there been such a slam dunk, open and shut case for termination in the history of the 84 year company. No one that I’ve ever known that watched Courageous Cat and Minute Mouse has ever been that stupid. During his exit interview I had HR ask him what his favorite cartoon growing up was. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Of course it was.

I’ll tell you something else, Barney the Dinosaur would’ve been violated something awful if he came to the daycare I attended. That syrupy I love you, you love me stuff would’ve gotten him straight snuffed.

And then this happened: Cisco – it was like someone was in a basement lab and decided how to combine Kool Aid and crack. Finally!

“You mean you could have a refreshing beverage AND get high as hell? I’ll take two!”

But it wasn’t long after that Cisco had to put a warning label on their masterpiece. It seemed some youngens in their haste to get high started grabbing Cisco thinking it had the same effect as say, a Bartle and Jaymes wine cooler. Word? A Bartles and Jaymes? Those kids were the reason the good folks at the Cisco bottling company had to add the warning in large type on the side of their label: THIS IS NOT A WINE COOLER. Cisco was to Bartles and Jaymes what Prohibition moonshine was to water: not even close. That chick that passed out on Cisco and tried to sue because she said she thought it had the alcohol content of a wine cooler? Yeah, she was Power Rangers fan. Nobody I know that watched The Six Million Dollar Man ever made that mistake.

But back before Cisco had to advertise it was definitely NOT a wine cooler, Craig Springer had the best curse words I ever heard. I’ll never forget in the 8^th grade standing outside JHS 101 when he called Jerome Chisolm a “son-of-an-asshole bitch” after Jerome crazy hot-necked him. Wait, you can be a son of an asshole AND a bitch? That right there was sheer…poetry. Even Jerome had to stop and laugh at that one. That right there is a pure classic and something I know a kid watching Yugio would never be able to fathom.

You hear every week now about some school being on lockdown, someone going into a movie theatre and indiscriminately shooting folks? That’s some new shit we didn’t do. If we had a problem with you personally, it was dealt with. In all recorded history, no one that ever watched the Jackson Five cartoon has ever a shot up a school. That’s some Rugrat, Hey Arnold generation b.s. right there.

Another irksome thing is they can’t even keep track of their lies. Like this is your fourth grandmother that’s died since I’ve been here. I would constantly find myself asking them "What did I ever do to give you the impression that I would ever believe that. Seriously?"

So I’ve developed a policy at work where, if you give me any excuse, it had better be an entertaining one. I don’t want to be “lied” to per se. I just would rather be entertained. I'll engage you if your excuse is other worldly, i.e. alien abductions, amputation...what I'm saying is: humor me. Make this day in hell worthwhile. I know you're lying, you know I know you’re lying. Show me your creative side. It's great now. Last week at work we had 2 alien abductions, one of my guys fell 380 feet - his estimation - down a manhole and one guy got nearly crushed to death when he fell down an elevator shaft. Now we're talking! When Joshua called off one Friday in late March because he had been tragically killed the night before, I have to admit, I got kind of emotional. I knew I was finally getting through to them, that there’s hope yet; that I’ve had a positive influence on their life.

Because, as my man Bugs once brilliantly observed “Don’t take life too seriously, you’ll never get out alive.”