Speak the Truth and Shame the Devil

My 3 year old hasn't been saddled with life's censor filter yet, so she's liable to say anything. She doesn't differentiate between an adult and a child and either she likes you, or you're "stinky, nasty and terrible."

"I don't like that boy," she'll say well within earshot of a 50-something year old Asian man in the vegetable aisle at BJs one recent Saturday morning, pointing directly at him less I mistake exactly who she's talking about.

"Why not, Amaya?" I ask while lowering her arm and removing her index finger from practically off of the man's nose.

"Because he's stinky, nasty & terrible."

With adults, the truth tends to be fuzzy. "I never had sexual relations with that woman," or "I never took steroids, er...knowingly..."

Brutal honesty, sadly, is reserved for children under 5, old people and crazies.

It’s said that children and old people are more truthful because they are closer coming from and going back to the Lord.

Okay, I just made that up.

My grandmother, some 2 or 3 years before her death did away completely with her censor filter. At a cousin’s wedding, she beckoned me from across the room. I went to her table, sat down and she said “Ooh, Askia. Don’t head-butt me.”

I wondered how long she wanted to tell me that. For how long exactly did she fear my noggin?

We now live in a debilitating politically correct, everyone-makes-the-team-whether they-suck-or-not, generation.

In the 1950’s through the early 70s, the happy meal kid-sized portion was the regular adult sized meal in fast food places. Now we’re supersized and soft.

When we were kids there was always the one fat kid. If there were two of them, they’d naturally gravitate toward each other and be friends. Now there are whole classes of chubbies; fat and delusional children.

“You made the team chubby, you’re good!”

No! Put down the Playstation and Xbox remote; take the pizza and soft drink out your mouth. Here’s an apple and a basketball. Go outside and play!

Parents lie to their children all the time. You think I’m lying?

I only watch the first 2 or 3 weeks of American Idol. In those brutal first episodes of the new season, you’ll always see someone saying my family/mother/father says I sound like Brian McKnight…Celine Dione…Luther Vandross…Whitney Houston then proceed to give the most crackheaded, bizarre performance imaginable. I love seeing people being told the truth for the first time in their lives. That pained expression etched in their face is so…honest. Why would their family let that happen to them? It turns out the judges are the first people in their life to tell them the truth.

Just telling them the truth in the first place would have avoided all that. Even if you have to chain the front door and fight them; ending up with them on the floor with you on top of them with your knee in their back while their flailing and crying for Paula and Randy, so be it.

I could imagine the conversation with my mother if I told her I was going on American Idol.

First time: “You sound real stupid. Come over here and let me feel your head.”
Second time: “Shut it right now, boy!”
Third time: “Boy, I will kill you where you stand you embarrass me like that!”

Thanks, ma. Seriously.

Side note: You ever catch yourself lying for no apparent reason? You have absolutely nothing to gain from your lie. You’re like “Why did I just say that? Now every time I see this person I have to remember I told them I’ve been to Indonesia…”

Having a censor filter should be optional. I like to treat mine as if it has an on and off switch. If you have it off all the time and you’re not under 5 or over 70 then you are a crazy person and it’s not going to be good for you. So you have to remember to put it back in the “on” position every so often lest you be wrestled to the ground and straitjacketed. Having your censor filter in the “off” position is especially good when dealing with over-preachy people, solicitors and idiots. It also serves another practical benefit. Stress develops when you say “yes” to something when you should have said “no”. It’s also timesaving.

“Wanna come hang out with us?”
“No.” No explanation necessary. But if they want to know why and press you for an explanation, just tell them that they’re stinky, nasty and terrible. I promise you you’ll be rid of that person.

That guy that literally stinks on your job? The one that, when he walks past, living things like plants, flowers and small animals start wilting and dying in his wake? While it’s very difficult broaching the conversation with someone about their personal hygiene, it’s a lot more humane and less embarrassing then say, giving him a soap-on-a-rope as a Christmas gift as his Secret Santa in front of the whole company. Seen it done.

But that’s just me thinking out loud.

A healthy, confident ego is not the same thing as being an arrogant egomaniac with a false sense of entitlement.

The mother who cuts the line in the Scholastic store in SOHO and starts berating the young woman behind the counter who is the only person working in the store at the time because she -the mother- can’t find the new Clifford the Big Red Dog doll for her 3 year old Timmy and wants her to stop helping the other customers and come from behind the counter and help her now! is a lot different from the father who goes to Sears after work and is expected to patiently wait while these 2 male chicken head dudes behind the counter discuss their weekend in explicit details, finally gets to him and gives him the wrong information and sends him through the store on some wild goose chase and pushes him to the limit of grabbing them by the collar and threaten to put his foot up their ass if they don’t pay more attention to their job and his preteen daughter melts in embarrassment of the scene he’s creating and…

But I digress…

Imagine how different things would be if society deemed it perfectly acceptable if you hauled off and punched someone in the face for any over the line infraction? Not talking about the simple day-to-day mistakes like stepping on someone’s shoe on the train; but for doing something really stupid or egregious. Like when you’re driving behind someone and you can’t get around them and they’re driving like they have absolutely nowhere to go and the light’s about to change and they slow down at the yellow making you sit and have to wait for another light to change? It should be totally acceptable to get out of your car, politely tap on their window and just deck them in the temple area.

Again, just me thinking out loud.

A punch in the temple region, in my world, has been whittled down to the “Hey?!” pop, a more realistic, less painful, more accepted version; a second tier - if you will.

Sometimes you have to give your kids a quick “Hey?!” pop to get them back to their senses real quick. That’s when they’re doing something crazy and you’re trying to talk them off the ledge and they’re just not understanding the whole vocal thing.

That’s when you get up on them and say “Hey?!” and just pop them in the back of the head one time for emphasis.

No one’s above a good “Hey?!” pop.

Most athletes are pampered their whole life and never hear the truth from their family members and friends looking to ride their fame to their own financial freedom.

Imagine if Latrell “I can’t feed my family off $5 million dollars a year” Sprewell had someone in his life that loved him enough to tell him the truth?

“Hey Latrell?!” Pop! “You’re being a real jerk. Smarten up! You’re about to lose EVERYTHING.”

Always keep in mind life’s circle: first, you’re children to your parents. Then you’re parents to your children. Then you’re parents to your parents. Then you’re children to your children.

So keep your “Hey?!” pops to a minimum with your kids; for those absolutely necessary moments. One day, you will be in the ‘children to your children’ phase of your life and your now adult children might return the favor with a new version they call the “Hey, Pop?!” pops!

And that wouldn’t be good.

In fact, it would be quite stinky, nasty and terrible.